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May 11, 2006

EASTER BUNNY: An Exclusive Interview

Last weekend I managed to catch up with the Easter Bunny in a secret Dublin location to quiz the holiday mammal on life as the world’s second favourite pagan/Christian mish-mash mascot. The following is the transcript from the interview:

Liam: So how are you finding Dublin?

Easter Bunny: It’s colder that what I’m used too but overall a relatively nice city. Perhaps relatively is too strong a word.

LG: Colder that your used too? Where are you from?

EB: Well, me personally, I’m from Long Island, NY, but the whole Easter operation is based in Mexico.

LG: Mexico?

EB: That’s what I said. Where did you think I was based? The North Pole?

 LG: I wasn’t sure to be honest. Speaking of the North Pole, what’s the relationship like between you and Santa Claus?

EB: He’s not into trans-species dating.

LG: That’s not what I meant…

EB: Oh…? Oh! Yeah, right, relationship wise, um, well, we really don’t see that much of each other. People always act as if Santa is the head honcho or something. As if he’s higher than me, you know? We do practically the same thing. We both travel around the world delivering gifts to children.

LG: Have church abuse scandals made any difference to the fact that your delivering gifts to children without any real apparent motive?

EB: What are you implying? I can’t speak for Claus but I know that I do this job not out of the goodness of my heart, but for a salary. It’s a full-time occupation. I’m employed by a holiday committee.

LG: You’re employed? So anyone can apply to be the Easter Bunny.

EB: Well it helps if you’re an over-sized pink rabbit but they can give you hormones to develop you if, let’s say, you were an overly ambitious hutch rabbit.

LG: Has a human ever taken on the position?

EB: When the Equality Act came in, the committee were forced to let other species apply for the job. An eccentric man from Ohio was hired once but didn’t last long. A couple of week’s maybe. He started doing holiday conventions in Japan for extra cash and that’s not allowed in the contract. There was a lot of ill feeling over the whole thing. That guy fell into a vat of chocolate in one our factories.

LG: Suicide?

 EB: Well, there’s an ongoing investigation by the holiday fatalities unit so I really can’t comment anymore.

LG: Are fatalities regular in the holiday business?

EB: More than you’d expect for a normal corrupt business, but I can’t really comment on that either. In fact, that was off the record.

LG: Too late. So who actually makes the eggs? Do you have elves like Santa?

 EB: Are you kidding me!? Santa hasn’t used elf labour since the scandal of ’93.

 LG: Scandal?

EB: He was practically running a sweatshop. The authorities warned him that they’d take severe action if he didn’t start paying his staff regular salaries. They were just bluffing of course. I mean whose gonna throw Claus in the slammer? It’d be a mistake of epic proportions. We’d have kids revolting across the world. Definitely not a good situation to be in.

LG: So who works in your factories?

EB: I answered that already.

I answered that already.

LG: Actually you went off the point and began talking about an elf scandal.

EB: Ah yes, the elf scandal. It was a terrible…

LG: Your doing it again. What’s the problem? Are you running a sweatshop too?

EB: Our staff conditions are perfectly legal for the country they’re based in.

LG: Mexico?

EB: No. Mexico is where my office is based.

LG: Where then? If it’s all legit then surely you can tell me?

EB: Look you journalist s**t, it’s none of your God damn business! You said this interview would heighten my God damn profile!

Look you journalist s**t, it’s none of your God damn business! You said this interview would heighten my God damn profile!

LG: I’ve a feeling it will.

EB: YOU B*****D!

At this point the Easter Bunny stormed out of the room. Upon leaving the building he attempted to steal an ashtray from the lobby. Security pursued him at which point he burst through the revolving door out onto the busy road where he was hit by a bus. He’s said to be in a stable condition and should make a full recovery by next Easter.

Downhill from here by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist

Posted by LiamG at May 11, 2006 05:48 PM