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February 01, 2006

How to Argue in the Pub and Lose

There’s nothing like an argument between friends in a pub. "Sonic the Hedgehog," says Hank, "is infinitely better than Mario in every way." I grimace at the aforementioned statement. How could you, I say, a connoisseur of computer games, someone whose blessed in the knowledge of console history come out with a declaration like that? "It’s true," replies Hank as I take a sip from the cold glass of Jack Daniels and coke in front of me. Mario, I announce, over his entire gaming history, has produced consistently good quality games while Sega’s freakishly discoloured hedgehog has been frequently hit and miss. Hanks eyes narrow as he opens his mouth and takes a deep breath. "Hit and miss!? From the Megadrive to the Dreamcast and beyond Sonic has produced great games." Name some, I say.

My first mistake. Hank is an intricate archive of gaming data and he proceeds to name what is probably the entire Sonic the Hedgehog back catalogue. He looks feverish as names pour out of his mouth. He grins. "Now then," he says. "Name a good Mario game." This should be easy, I think to myself. Right, there’s the original Super Mario Bros on the Nintendo. A recognised classic. Super Mario Bros 2. "Super Mario Bros 2?" Hank butts in, "That was awful." It bloody well wasn’t awful, I object. "Yes. Yes it was awful and in fact you’ve told me before that it’s awful." I certainly never said Mario 2 was awful, I say, quickly trying to remember if in fact I ever did say that. He could be bluffing. If I admit I think its an awful game he’ll have me. No, I most definitely did not say any such thing, I reply and make for the bar to collect my thoughts. I’ll need another drink if I’m to stay sharp in the next round.

Right, I say, Mario Kart. Mario Kart is one of the best games ever. The original Super Nintendo version was great, the N64 version was great, the GameCube version was, eh, well sort of rubbish but the Nintendo DS version is great too. All great Mario games. "Sonic had a racing game too," interjects Hank. Oh yes, how could I forget Sonic R. Oh what a masterpiece that was. It was like carbon-copy of Mario Kart. "At least it made sense," Hank says. "You raced as Sonic and actually ran along the tracks not in a kart like Mario." Oh that’s rich! Sonic runs, I say, because the whole point of Sonic is that he runs ridiculously fast. Mario is a hero of the common man and hence uses an automobile to race in. The argument rages on until Keara joins us.

We’re sitting in a dark corner upstairs in Coffey’s. There’s a big match on downstairs so every so often we can hear people bursting into blazing fits of shouting or ecstatic whoops of joy. "Sorry I’m late," Keara says. "Did you know that You’ve Got Mail was on tonight Liam?" This probably requires a little explaining. You see much I’m scorned for saying so You’ve Got Mail is my favourite movie of all time. It is pure perfection. The story is wonderful - Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan falling in love via e-mail. The location is various bookstores, cafes and streets around beautiful New York in the summer and autumn seasons. The music is great. The entire film is so utterly charming that I watch it regularly. It is, in a word, comforting. I did know it was on, I say to Keara, but I have it on video and am considering purchasing it on DVD. "I watched some of it tonight," Keara says. Oh yes? What did you think? "Liam, it’s awful," she says as I ‘m taking a swig from my glass and nearly end up spewing it out again in a clichéd fashion. Me being told You’ve Got Mail is awful is a lot like a small kid being told Santa doesn’t exist. It bursts the only bubble of magic you have left in this rotten world. Another rousing pub argument is narrowly avoided when Scan arrives.

He looks down at the drinks on our table. "You see that three quarters full pint of Bud there," he says. "That represents what you’re column used to be." He points to the next drink. "And you see that empty glass of whisky? That represents you’re column now." Ah, where would I be without metaphors involving drinks glasses at various stages of consumption. I begin chatting away to Scan and one thing leads to another and I end up this wagering this very column on the spelling of a word. It’s the kind of bet you only make when you’re nicely inebriated. The word in question is "abbreviation." Scan reckons it’s spelt with two b’s while I am convinced it’s only one. I’m so convinced of this that I say Scan can write next weeks column (being this one) if I’m wrong.

We both agree that we’ll have to seek some independent adjudicators so we decide that we’ll ring three of our associates. Bare in mind it’s around midnight when we ring and ask each of them to look up "abbreviation" in their nearest dictionary. It turns out I am wrong. I should have really guessed I would be, I mean after all, they pay someone to spell-check my columns. Man of my word, I reluctantly tell Scan he can write this weeks column and that he should e-mail it to me in the next day or two. Deadline looming I text asking where his version of the column is to which he replies "I forgot to write it! Don’t worry, I’ll manage to swindle you out of next weeks edition and I’ll fill it full slander and defame people." I chuckle quietly to myself. That’s exactly what I do.

Downhill from here by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist (pg.6)

 

 

Posted by LiamG at February 1, 2006 09:16 PM