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June 05, 2005

The Cut Out and Keep Guide To Commuting (Part 2)

Due to the unprecented reaction to last weeks Cut Out and Keep Guide To Commuting (over one million commuters cutting out and keeping the guide to commuting) we present the second in the ever popular Cut Out and Keep Guide to Commuting Series. So what are you waiting for? Grab a scissors and cut it!

Weather: The Tempest Favours Newbridge

The Weather plays an important role in the life of an average commuter. It dictates whether you turn up for work/college looking like you fell into a swimming pool or not, as the case may be. When leaving for your early morning train be sure to bring an umbrella with you. There are several types of umbrellas. (a) “The Mini” This is a small umbrella that defeats its own purpose by its size. It keeps your head dry thus lulling you into a false sense of security as you unwittingly allow the rest of your body be drenched yet will only realise this when you’re aboard the train. (b) “The Man Size” Golfing umbrellas serve their purpose to a tee. They will keep at least 90% of you dry. The cons however include trying to walk down morning rush hour Grafton St. with an umbrella that the size of Cuba.

Heuston (we have a problem)

As a full-time commuter you will find yourself spending a lot of time in Heuston Station. Your train will continue to pull off seconds before you reach the platform and you will be stranded in commuter limbo. This, however, is not an entirely unpleasant place. There are a number of ways to pass the time. (A) Sit on one of the numerous benches cursing Irish Rail. (B) Sit in SuperMacs cursing Irish Rail while eating a burger. If options A and B aren’t to your taste you could try sitting on the high chairs beside the Jus Juice Bar while sipping a fruit juice and looking effortlessly cool. Also keep in mind that in Heuston a trip to the toilet will cost you 30 cent. Irish Rail will have the last laugh if you decide to refuse to pay the ridiculous charge and wait for the train to come so you can use one of the onboard toilets because they randomly lock these to add panic to your day of woe.

Dealing with Oddballs: “Please don’t let him sit beside me!”

If you are hardcore you’ll know by experience that Irish Rail is home to some of the screwiest people you’ll ever meet. Most of them are now famed for their notorious oddball activities. If you can recognise one walking down through the carriage your best option is to avoid eye contact. Failing to do this will instantly get the attention of Jay. H. Looney who will proceed with enthusiasm to sit beside you and initiate unwanted conversation. If this has happened then the situation is more or less hopeless. Burying your head in a book will only draw their attention to what the book is about whilst doing the extreme and actually talking with them will make them feel you are their new best friend and, as several reliable commuters have testified, offer their number to you. Refuse politely.

Doing Lunch: “Let me check my file-o-fax”

Travelling to Dublin everyday and mingling with the people from the big smoke you’ll notice yourself becoming a cosmopolitan commuter. This entails doing lunch with everyone, darling. First you’ll need to have a schedule or diary. You don’t have to use it but merely carry it about as a prop for your new exciting lifestyle. When arranging lunch be sure to choose somewhere suitable. The more refined commuter might like to do lunch in the newly refurbished Muse Café in Eason’s of Connell St. Students may favour the kids table on the second floor of SuperMacs also of O’Connell St.

Trains, Buses & Automobiles by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist (page 6)

Posted by LiamG at June 5, 2005 10:17 PM