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June 05, 2005

The Cut Out and Keep Guide to Commuting

It’s January. 2005 is in full swing meaning the holidays are over. Everyone from the Students to the Civil Servants are back on the platform ready to board the train. To assist you in your terribly exciting everyday journey we present to you, A Cut Out and Keep Guide To Commuting. Cut it out and give it to the commuter in your life.

Timetables and Time Keeping (or alternatively “Get A Watch, Stupid!”)

A vital item for any discerning commuter is the Dublin/Kildare train timetable. Last years model is so out of date by now. Literally. Having this year’s pocket sized schedule means you know the train you wanted has just left and they’re won’t be another one for forty minutes. Regarding time keeping, don’t bother keeping any. Irish Rail clocks are on Tokyo time. If you are late however, do still run down to the platform as the train is most likely late too. If you see the Arrow in the station and begin to run furiously towards it be advised that running very fast and then suddenly stopping can cause you to faint.

Tickets: Can’t live with em’, can’t get on the train without em’

If you’re early for your train, always buy your ticket in the station. It ensures that later aboard the train the ticket master doesn’t give you that “trying to get away with out paying, were you?” look. Softcore commuters take note that asking for a return ticket to Dublin will only get you to Heuston Station. It doesn’t include the bus or the LUAS service. You must ask for a return ticket to the “City Centre” to have the bus and LUAS passes put on your ticket. This will save you the embarrassment of trying to use a non-bus ticket on the bus when there are fifty people shooting dirty looks from the queue behind you. A special mention most be given to the ticket machines. Stay clear of them. Technology is only here to make you look stupid. An extra special mention most be given to the LUAS ticket machines outside Heuston Station. Using them will activate an embarrassingly loud voice saying things like “Please insert your money now” and “Thank you for using LUAS”.

Student Cards: Like Birthday cards, only not

Students, your travel cards expired two weeks ago. It’s time to get a new one. Ask the man in the station for an application form. Renewing your card is going to set you back €12 so you can either (a) beg your parents for the money like the sponge that you are (b) pay for it out of your own wallet and feel all empowered and independent for all of two seconds or (c) feck the application form and head for the pub. €12 will get you two pints of Guinness comfortably. You’ll also be required to submit a passport photo to be laminated onto the card for the whole of the year. It’s crucial that you don’t screw it up. Treat the passport machine as an exclusive photo shoot. The example passport photo on the application form of “Ann Smyth”, the sultry saucy minx who goes to NUI Maynooth was done in a proper studio so you needn’t attempt a photo on that level. Just smile and look at the camera, damn it.

Killing Time: “It was an accident, I swear!

Spending hours on a train every week, you’ve got a lot of time to kill so don’t just stare out the window like a big freak. There are any number of things you could do. 1. Start a conversation with that girl beside you. She may be the one. 2. Read a book. You said life was too short ever to read a Cecelia Adhern novel so now here’s your chance to give the girl I try and bite your tongue, you begruder! 3. Listen to some music. That’s right, whether you’re a music geek with an iPod or an old fashioned Walkman user, there’s few better ways to spend 50 minutes on a miserable train journey than listening to track 9 of Declan O’Rourke’s album ‘Since Kyabram’. Also note that when your listening to Britney’s album secretly and you think you’re safe cause it’s a Walkman – think again, buddy. The intro to ‘Toxic’ is as recognizable as the Muppet Show theme tune, even when heard through muffled Walkman speakers - so don’t even try it, chump.

Trains, Buses & Automobiles by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist (page 6)

Posted by LiamG at June 5, 2005 10:14 PM