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June 11, 2005

The A-Z of Commuting

The A-Z of Commuting.

A is for annoyed commuter. They can be found at any station, platform or bus queue continually tutting and saying things like “this is ridiculous, isn’t it?” in the hopes that the person standing beside them will concur. Tip: Never concur. You’ll only find yourself in a moaning conversation about Irish Rail for the next forty minutes of your journey with a complete stranger. B is for buses. Slightly more pleasant than trains but considerably less comfortable than LUAS trams. C is for caught, as in “This ticket is from last week. You‘re not getting on the train.” Lying is always the best policy when caught. “Oh my God, really? This is so embarrassing. But listen I’m in a real hurry today would it be ok if I got on and I’ll (cough, cough) buy a ticket on the train?” At this point bring out the Bambi eyes. D is for driver. It’s hard to tell which variety of driver is the best. LUAS drivers frequently honk at oncoming cars. Bus drivers are strict on tickets but are friendly enough. Train drivers constantly make incomprehensible announcements that sound like a Dublin Dalek. E is for eternally late - as in trains.

F is for “f**k sake!” The cry of a commuter whose just learned that he’ll be spending next two hours in Heuston Station. G is for gasping for air. Expect this to happen when the Arrow is at twice the legal capacity and the people beside the windows opt not to open them. H is for hungry. Why is it that when you’re dying for a something to eat on the train there’s always a guy sitting across from you whose brought a bloody packed lunch and a Mars bar. I is for iceberg. Those station announcers will try any excuse as to why your train is late. J is for jostle. When you’ve got a hundred stressed commuters who’ve been working in an office all day expect to be elbowed, shoved and manhandled in the fight for a seat on the Arrow. Take no prisoners. K is for kumquat ***noun*** 1. A small spiny evergreen citrus shrub or tree, native to China. 2 The small round orange citrus fruit produced by this plant, resembling a miniature orange. L is for Liam Geraghty, commuter extraordinaire.

M is for morning madness. Getting the earliest possible train from Newbridge - the 6.50am. It’s technically the middle of the night if you can still see stars in the sky. N is for newspapers. Opening up your enormous broadsheet paper to it’s full size is wrong. It’s bad enough that you read the financial times without you shoving it in front of my face too. O is for Orwellian. George was right, it’s not 1984 but they’ve even got cameras on our trains and buses. P is for pedestrian. Once you’ve survived the bus into town it’s time to brave the streets of Dublin. Expect cyclists, druggies and enthusiastic charity workers. Q is for queue. Although bus queues are more like swarming around at the door rather than a civilised straight line.

R is for reggae. You’ve got an iPOD and hence think you’ve better taste in music than the rest of us so why are you listening to reggae. For crying out loud, turn it down. The earphones are in your ears. It doesn’t need to be up full volume. S is for shouting into your phone. Now the whole carriage knows what your having for dinner. T is for taxi. There’s nothing better than strolling across from the number 90 bus stop and hoping into a taxi when everyone else is standing out in the rain. U is for U-turn. It’s an infrequent oddity but an oddity all the same. Your bus driver is lost and has taken a wrong turn. And no, he wasn’t a foreigner. He was a Dub. V is for vacant. If it’s unoccupied why is the train toilet always locked? W is for weather. Always rains when you forget you’re umbrella. X is for xenophobia. If you are one, you won’t like commuting. Y is for Yugoslavia. You’ve gotten on the wrong train. Z is for zombies, i.e. early morning commuters.

Trains, Buses & Automobiles by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist.

Posted by LiamG at June 11, 2005 01:44 AM