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June 05, 2005

Ireland's Answer to Tintin

Wednesday 21st July

What a day it’s been in the life of Newbridge’s answer to Tintin. The grand plan (or Le Grande Plan as the French would say) was to catch an early morning train to Dublin, catch a movie and then shop for summer journalist clothes. As you know, my wardrobe is fully kitted out with winter journalist clothes, i.e. long dark coat, scarf, pipe, snuff, etc. But this is the first summer that I’ve been a qualified journalist and to be quite honest, I’m not sure what to wear. Typically, while reporting in hot countries, reporters tend to wear lightly coloured shirts with a white t-shirt underneath combined with baize coloured slacks. This doesn’t apply here though as its not particularly hot. Hence, my usually stylish sense of fashion has been reduced to a quivering and confused pair of jeans and a jumper that’s to heavy to be worn in July. I’m a mess.

Eventually, after taking the 9.56am Arrow to Dublin I ambled out to the UGC cinemas on Parnell St. to see Spider Man 2, which is really, really cool by the way. Oddly, got a text from Shane Mackey who had seen the film previously that read, “Note to Liam: If Tobey doesn’t agree a deal for Spidey 3 then u should step in! Ur a dead ringer!” At this point my head was swelling like a hand after being hit with a hammer but was deflated instantly as I read further, “But don’t get me wrong u don’t have the grace that Mr Maguire does, but you could b his stunt double.”

Seconds after walking out of the cinema, I got a call inviting me to go and see a press screening of ‘King Arthur’ out in Fairview. My heart wanted me to refuse the offer and go shopping for summer journalist clothes but my mind said, “Go to the screening, you klutz! It’s free!” And with that it was decided. What followed was a mad dash to get out to Fairview in time for the film. Raced through Henry St. and while racing noticed a rather attractive young lady up ahead. The closer I got, the more it looked as if she was walking towards me. My mind began screaming at me to say I was a journo from some yuppie magazine and would she like to accompany me to a preview screening of ‘King Arthur’? When it was certain she was making eyes at me, I came to a sudden halt as she strutted over. “Hi,” she said while batting her eyelids, “Would you like to buy a scratch card for charity?”

So, unaccompanied, I hoped onto the number 28 bus out to Fairview and dashed inside the cramped theatre where all the film critics were waiting. Should have brought my Clark Kent glasses with me. The thick heavy black ones that Newbridge optician, Ger Canty sorted me out with a few weeks ago. Without them (and also without any convincing summer journalist clothes) the film critics view me with a facial expression that reads, “How did he get in here?” Regardless, I sat down and watched what turned out to be a 2-hour epic bore. Worth seeing once, perhaps, but never, ever again.

Back in Hueston Station for my return journey, I found myself with a quandary. On platform 7, stood the 6.05pm Arrow, which stopped at every station on its way to Newbridge and on platform 8 the 6.00pm train whose first stop was Newbridge, was still yet to arrive. The quandary was this: which train do I queue up for? If I stand in the queue for the 6.05pm Arrow, which is already in the station, I’m guaranteed to be leaving for Newbridge at 6.05pm even though we’ll be stopping at every station. If I stand in the queue for the 6.00pm train, whose first stop is Newbridge, I’m making a gamble as it still hasn’t arrived and they may decide to let the 6.05pm go on ahead if it doesn’t arrive. So what do I do? Obviously the rest of the commuters were also thinking about this quandary as well because every so often people would switch queues. Switching queues obviously meant that the commuter had thought they had solved the riddle of which train to catch. I thought long and hard before realising the answer: queue in the line for the 6.05pm. I did this and like a lot of commuters who had gotten the answer right made straight for the top carriage and took a seat while everyone else stood bleakly in the queue for the 6.00pm train. But then as the 6.00pm train pulled up on platform eight, all the devious commuters like myself, put their plan into action. We all leaped out of our seats on the 6.05pm Arrow to the bewilderment of other commuters and we hoped straight onto the 6.00pm train while the people in the queue for that train were having their tickets checked before being allowed on. I think I heard one commuter mutter “Those cute hoors!”

On my way back from Newbridge Train Station I was tuned in to Alan Curry on KFM. Several songs later, Alan says, “This text just came in. It says: ‘Newsflash! Godzilla is running amuck in down town Newbridge. The Mayor is trying to ring authorities in Tokyo to find out how to deal with the situation,’ and that,” he says, “Comes in from Newbridge’s answer to Tintin.”

If you’ve any suggestions for what clothes a journalist should wear in the summer, please e-mail them to me at liam@liamgeraghty.com or send to into Kildare Nationalist, Main St., Newbridge. Much obliged.

Trains, Buses & Automobiles by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist (page 6)

Posted by LiamG at June 5, 2005 09:35 PM