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June 05, 2005

Help me Obi Wan Kenobi !

Just exit the store, Liam. Turn around and run out into Henry Street and then run like the clappers for Heuston. It was too late. The shiny, shiny Star Wars DVD box had already put me in a frenzy. It wasn’t supposed to be out until Monday. But HMV had it early. Star Wars. DVD box set. Do you understand what I’m staying!? Ok, ok, walk calmly over to the stand. Try not to look like a Star Wars obsessive. Remember your just buying it for someone else. A quick glance left to right. No one’s looking. Pick it up. OhmyGod,ohmyGod,ohmyGod. Digitally re-mastered. Digitally restored. Re-remastered. Re-restored remastered edition. OhmyGod,ohmyGod,ohmyGod.

Check your wallet. Make sure you didn’t get all excited over nothing. Ten euro!?! That wouldn’t even get me the cheap cardboard box the DVD’s are in! Gotta think quick. They’ve only got around four hundred copies. I run out into Henry St. in a panic. “AHHHHHHHHH!” Ok, whew. Got that out of my system. Now to the nearest bank machine. Christ this queue is way too long. ARNOTTS! They’ve got an ATM machine. I run back down Henry St. Gorgeous girl approaching. “NO! I DON’T WANT TO BUY ANY OF YOUR GOD DAMN SCRATCH CARDS!” Right. Arnotts. Where do I begin? It’s the Macy’s of Dublin. Far too many stairs and escalators leading to far too many floors. The place is like Charles De Gaulle airport! “Where’s the ATM?” I ask an idle member of staff. “The basement.” The basement! Ok, that’s gotta be all down.

Thirteen floors later I’m skidding around stands of expensive looking glass ornaments that are placed in such a way that it would be a miracle if I didn’t slide right into one. The ATM’s got to be here somewhere. The manager on this floor is watching me as if I were a hyperactive child in a toyshop. Which isn’t entirely that far from the truth. AHA! There it is. Right, stuff the card in. Punch my pin - ****. Withdrawal? YES! Receipt? Yeah, sure why not. Amount? The price of the Star Wars DVD box set! Do you require any other services? Unless you’re squeezing Star Wars DVD box set’s out of that cash slot, just gimme my money!

Right. Back on track. Reverse that entire frenetic running through Arnotts, dashing through Henry St. “NO! I don’t want to buy a scratch card! Do you have short term memory loss or something!?” Ok, ok. I’m back in HMV. Wheezing, I swipe my Box Set and stagger over to the counter with a smug feeling of self-satisfaction. I feel like shouting “HA!” but decide against it. “Do you have any I.D.?” the girl behind the counter asks. “WHAT!?” “Do you have any I.D.?” she repeats. My mouth hangs open for a second. “I’m not trying to buy porn! It’s Star Wars! Its rated PG!” She glances down at the box set. “Oh your right. Sorry bout’ that” she replies while she scans the barcode.

Walking out of the shop I’m strutting with the “I’ve just bought Star Wars on DVD” kind of swagger. I pull the mobile out of my pocket and ring Paul Winters. “Paul, I’ve just bought Star Wars on DVD!” I hear a gasp down the phone line. “OhmyGod,ohmyGod,ohmyGod,” I hear Paul mutter. “I thought it wasn’t out until Monday! I’m going to see if Dunnes have it!” On the train home Paul rings me back. “Did you get it?” I enquire. “Oh I got it all right but . . .” he says. “But what?” I hear him sighing. “I bought a bloody faulty one. It’s got Return of the Jedi on all three discs!” I had to laugh. I could have pretended to be sympathetic but the situation was too hilarious. It called for an evil laugh. “MUHAHAhahahaha!” After much more of this, I suddenly realised what I had done. I had bought Star Wars. On DVD. I had vowed not too. I already own the video set. Not only that. Oh the shame. I own the Special Edition video set as well. And now I own the DVD set. I now have THREE sets of the same trilogy of films. This is what it is to be a Star Wars addict. Not a fan. An addict. Curse George Lucas. Curse him. (Liam has signed a contract never to mention Star Wars again in this column. Thank God.)

Trains, Buses & Automobiles by Liam Geraghty appears every week in the Kildare Nationalist (page 6)

Posted by LiamG at June 5, 2005 09:46 PM